Circa 1970.
Manager: Nuge! Get in here you crazy bastard. Let’s makes you some money.
Ted Nugent: Sounds good to me.
Manager: Tell me. What are your three loves?
Nugent: God, guns and rock n’ roll.
Manager: And pinball.
Nugent: Pinball?
Manager: Pinball. Think of it Nuge. There’s arcades full of kids across the country and in every one of those arcades… a Ted Nugent pinball game.
He pulls back a sheet to reveal the pinball machine.
Nugent: Why is my guitar a gun?
Manager: More importantly, why isn’t your guitar a gun?
Nugent: I don’t know about this…
Manager: Pinball is the rock n’ roll of arcades Nuge. The lights, the sounds. Even when your standing there playing it, it looks like you’re having sex with it.
The manager starts dryhumping air, hard.
Nugent: Ok, easy.
Manager: This is a good diver-nugent revenue stream.
Nugent: Can you stop using my name in words like that?
Manager: Don’t get all indi-nugent on me Nuge!
Nugent: Please stop.
Manager: But I still have to pitch you deter-nugent.
Beat.
Manager: It’s a Ted Nugent themed detergent. Deter-nuge—
Nugent: FUCKING STOP.
DJ: Hello?
Lady: Hello. So my friend tells me you will DJ any occasion?
DJ: Yes ma’am. Weddings, bar mitzvahs, reunions, company picnics…
Lady: What about an orgy?
DJ: Excuse me…
Lady: An orgy. You know, a swingers party. Originally, I was going to do a rainbow party…
DJ: A rainbow party?
Lady: It’s where women wear various shades of lipstick and take turns fellating men. It makes their penises look like rainbows. So fun! But my friend Debbie said, ‘Why limit it to just oral?’ And I said, ‘Debbie, you are so right.’ Just between you and me, I guess there’s a first time for everything.
She laughs.
Lady: Do you have any Ja Rule?
DJ: Uh, yeah.
Lady: Oh good. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about that man’s voice that really sets the mood. You know, sexually.
DJ: I’m not sure how comfortable…
Lady: (stern) You advertise that you will DJ any occasion.
DJ: Yes, but…
Lady: I wonder what the Better Business Bureau would think of this. My same friend saw their van driving around and she wrote down their number too.
DJ: (sighs) Fine. I’ll DJ your sex party.
Lady: Please, swingers party. Sex party sounds so crass. Now, can we pay you in hand jobs?
Normal Guy: Hey! Guy with the flag!
Guy with the Flag: …
Normal Guy: Hey! Only guy here whose holding a flag! Yeah, you. Iwo Jima. Can you please put the flag down?
Guy with the Flag: …
Normal Guy: Oh for fuck’s sake, who brings a flag to a concert? Did you not think that maybe there would be people behind you?
Guy with the Flag: …
Normal Guy: I hope you wave your flag when the band hits the stage. Shit, I hope you wave it so hard. You’ll ruin the concert for even more people, but it’ll look so cool. You can go to sleep tonight and think, “Yeah! I waved the fuck outta my flag today. I’m a champion!
Guy with the Flag: …
Normal Guy: I’m going to the movies tomorrow. Can you show up with your flag and ruin that for me too? Glendale Galleria at 3:15PM. I’m going to see “The Vow.”
Guy with the Flag: …
Normal Guy: You like Channing Tatum? He was in Step Up 2. I think he held a flag in it, so…
Guy with the Flag: …
Normal Guy: Don’t wave your flag if you’re in.
Guy with the Flag: …
Normal Guy: Sweet. Oh and by the way, everyone here hates you.
Supervisor: Todd, do you have the “Baby Changing Station” graphic done?
Todd: Yep, it’s right here.
Supervisor: Looks familiar.
Todd: Well it should, It’s a baby. You’ve seen a baby before, right?
Supervisor: I have Todd. I see one every night when I go home to my infant son… I also see Time Chicken on my bookshelf.
Todd: (coughs) What’s that now?
Supervisor: Time Chicken. You know, that sci-fi book we did a logo for last year. It’s about a chicken that goes back in time to fight crime. Time Chicken.
Todd: Oh yeah, vaguely.
Supervisor: I’m surprised Todd… you drew it.
Todd: Oh yeah. Haha, I guess I did. (coughs)
Supervisor: This baby sure looks a lot like that time chicken.
Todd: Really? I don’t see it.
Supervisor: Cut the shit Todd! I know you just put a diaper and a new head on the old Time Chicken logo.
Todd: I did not!
Supervisor: Those baby legs are clearly chicken legs Todd! And those baby hands look just like wings.
Todd: That’s what baby hands look like!
Supervisor: Well then those hands look fucking delicious.
Todd: Fine, you caught me! I’m sorry, ok? It’s just that… it’s a “Baby Changing Station” man, who cares?
Supervisor: Uh, I care! The client cares! People who have to change their child’s dirty diaper at a Bennigan’s care! And I thought you cared! But obviously not since you drew a chicken in a diaper with a goddamn gerry curl. A gerry curl!
Todd: It’s a rockabilly baby.
Supervisor: Dammit Todd, how many times do I have to tell you to stop trying to work in rockabilly crap! I get that “it’s your thing” or whatever, but no one else is into it. Literally no one else.
Todd: Please don’t make air quotes at me.
Supervisor: “Sorry.”
Todd clenches his fist and closes his eyes.
Todd: I’ll have you know that my band, “Rockabilly Led Zeppelin” is very respected.
Supervisor: Oh yeah, “your band.” Stairway to Hillbilly Heaven? Really?
Todd jumps out of his chair.
Todd: I said don’t make air quotes at me!
Supervisor: Just draw a new baby Todd. Jesus.
The supervisor exits. Todd strokes his tattoo of a devil playing poker with Elvis on his forearm. He then drags the “Baby Changing Station” graphic to a folder entitled “Final Graphics.”
Todd: No one makes fun of “Rockabilly Led Zeppelin.”
