Husband: Baby, our problems are solved.
Wife: You got a job? Really?!
Husband: No, even better. I invented this.
He presents the TV Pillow Remote.
Wife: TV Pillow Remote? I’m confused.
Husband: So was I. That is… until I invented this. Honey, this is going to change everything. You know Guttenberg’s printing press?
Wife: Yeah.
Husband: This is going to be like that.
Wife: I don’t get it.
Husband: What’s not to get? It’s a pillow and a TV remote, together.
Wife: Yeah, that’s what I don’t get.
Husband: Ok, remember how Darn Yankees was a supergroup of people from Styx and Night Rangers? Well, this is like that but for TV.
Wife: But why would you want a remote control in a pillow?
Husband: Well for starters, it’s a lot harder to lose a remote control than a pillow! You ever think of that? I mean, you’re never going to get your pillow lost in the couch cushions.
Wife: Okay, but whenever you lie on the pillow, won’t your head accidentally change the channel?
Husband: …
Husband: …
Husband: Goddammit.
GUEST CONCOCTED CONVERSATION BY HAMPTON YOUNT
Hampton Yount is a talented young comedian in LA by way of Washington DC. Every time I see him, he makes me giggle. If you were alone in a bar, there would be nothing better than Hampton walking through the door.
You can download his delightful standup album FOR FREE by cliking here.
Also, his twitter is @hamptonyount
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Husband: Fucking… I knew you’d pull this shit. Why? Huh why?
Wife: I just can’t do this. THIS.
She motions to the house.
Husband: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Wife: The way you treat me, the way you treat women! You just don’t care!
Husband: I treat you great! I provide every fucking thing for this family. YOU don’t care. I never hear a thanks either.
Wife: It’s not about things, it’s about respect. And you’ve never given a bit of it.
Husband: What, I’m supposed to “respect” your bullshit? Yeah, your BULL-SHIT, Carol. You go back to college to take a women’s studies class and suddenly nothing I do is good enough. And I paid for those classes! Remember that? I told you it was a bad idea.
Wife: Right there!
Husband: What?!
Wife: It’s the way you talk down to me. It’s the way you essentially think women are a joke.
He takes a sip from the breast mug.
Husband: You’re out to lunch.
A husband enters his house holding three katana-like swords.
Wife: No. I told you. No weapons in the house.
Husband: But these are powerful ancient weapons!
Wife: Where did you get these “powerful ancient weapons”?
Husband: A truck stop.
Wife: (sighs) How much?
Husband: Only $100! For three of them! One for you, one for me, and one for the baby.
Wife: Teddy can’t play with a sword.
Husband: He has to learn to defend himself. Unless you want him to be murdered. Because that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t let me train him.
Wife: For the last time, you’re not a ninja.
Husband: Then why do I have three katana-like swords!
Wife: Wait, katana-like?
Husband: That’s what it says on my commemorative receipt.
Wife: Honey, when they put “like” on the end of a word, that means it’s not as good as the real thing.
Husband: Then how do you explain “childlike”?
Wife: Just get rid of the swords.
Husband: But they come with a display stand.
Wife: Why is that important?
Husband: It shows motherfuckers that we’re not to be fucked with.
Wife: We live in a gated community.
Husband: But are those gates for keeping people out… or keeping us in?
The husband unsheathes a sword. The wife starts rubbing her temples.
