Husband:  Baby, our problems are solved.
Wife:  You got a job? Really?!
Husband:  No, even better. I invented this.
He presents the TV Pillow Remote.
Wife:  TV Pillow Remote? I’m confused.
Husband:  So was I. That is… until I invented this. Honey, this is going to change everything. You know Guttenberg’s printing press?
Wife:  Yeah.
Husband:  This is going to be like that.
Wife:  I don’t get it.
Husband:  What’s not to get? It’s a pillow and a TV remote, together.
Wife:  Yeah, that’s what I don’t get.
Husband:  Ok, remember how Darn Yankees was a supergroup of people from Styx and Night Rangers? Well, this is like that but for TV.
Wife:  But why would you want a remote control in a pillow?
Husband:  Well for starters, it’s a lot harder to lose a remote control than a pillow! You ever think of that? I mean, you’re never going to get your pillow lost in the couch cushions.
Wife:  Okay, but whenever you lie on the pillow, won’t your head accidentally change the channel?
Husband: …
Husband: …
Husband:  Goddammit.

Husband:  Baby, our problems are solved.

Wife:  You got a job? Really?!

Husband:  No, even better. I invented this.

He presents the TV Pillow Remote.

Wife:  TV Pillow Remote? I’m confused.

Husband:  So was I. That is… until I invented this. Honey, this is going to change everything. You know Guttenberg’s printing press?

Wife:  Yeah.

Husband:  This is going to be like that.

Wife:  I don’t get it.

Husband:  What’s not to get? It’s a pillow and a TV remote, together.

Wife:  Yeah, that’s what I don’t get.

Husband:  Ok, remember how Darn Yankees was a supergroup of people from Styx and Night Rangers? Well, this is like that but for TV.

Wife:  But why would you want a remote control in a pillow?

Husband:  Well for starters, it’s a lot harder to lose a remote control than a pillow! You ever think of that? I mean, you’re never going to get your pillow lost in the couch cushions.

Wife:  Okay, but whenever you lie on the pillow, won’t your head accidentally change the channel?

Husband:

Husband: 

Husband:  Goddammit.

GUEST CONCOCTED CONVERSATION BY HAMPTON YOUNT
Hampton Yount is a talented young comedian in LA by way of Washington DC. Every time I see him, he makes me giggle. If you were alone in a bar, there would be nothing better than Hampton walking through the door. 
You can download his delightful standup album FOR FREE by cliking here.
Also, his twitter is @hamptonyount
———————————————————————————————-
Wife:  I’m leaving you.
Husband:  Fucking… I knew you’d pull this shit. Why? Huh why?
Wife:  I just can’t do this. THIS.
She motions to the house.
Husband:  What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Wife:  The way you treat me, the way you treat women! You just don’t care!
Husband:  I treat you great! I provide every fucking thing for this family. YOU don’t care. I never hear a thanks either.
Wife:  It’s not about things, it’s about respect. And you’ve never given a bit of it.
Husband:  What, I’m supposed to “respect” your bullshit? Yeah, your BULL-SHIT, Carol. You go back to college to take a women’s studies class and suddenly nothing I do is good enough. And I paid for those classes! Remember that? I told you it was a bad idea.
Wife:  Right there!
Husband:  What?!
Wife:  It’s the way you talk down to me. It’s the way you essentially think women are a joke.
He takes a sip from the breast mug.
Husband:  You’re out to lunch.

GUEST CONCOCTED CONVERSATION BY HAMPTON YOUNT

Hampton Yount is a talented young comedian in LA by way of Washington DC. Every time I see him, he makes me giggle. If you were alone in a bar, there would be nothing better than Hampton walking through the door. 

You can download his delightful standup album FOR FREE by cliking here.

Also, his twitter is @hamptonyount

———————————————————————————————-

Wife:  I’m leaving you.

Husband:  Fucking… I knew you’d pull this shit. Why? Huh why?

Wife:  I just can’t do this. THIS.

She motions to the house.

Husband:  What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Wife:  The way you treat me, the way you treat women! You just don’t care!

Husband:  I treat you great! I provide every fucking thing for this family. YOU don’t care. I never hear a thanks either.

Wife:  It’s not about things, it’s about respect. And you’ve never given a bit of it.

Husband:  What, I’m supposed to “respect” your bullshit? Yeah, your BULL-SHIT, Carol. You go back to college to take a women’s studies class and suddenly nothing I do is good enough. And I paid for those classes! Remember that? I told you it was a bad idea.

Wife:  Right there!

Husband:  What?!

Wife:  It’s the way you talk down to me. It’s the way you essentially think women are a joke.

He takes a sip from the breast mug.

Husband:  You’re out to lunch.

A husband enters his house holding three katana-like swords.
Wife:  No. I told you. No weapons in the house.
Husband:  But these are powerful ancient weapons!
Wife:  Where did you get these “powerful ancient weapons”?
Husband:  A truck stop.
Wife:  (sighs) How much?
Husband:  Only $100! For three of them! One for you, one for me, and one for the baby.
Wife:  Teddy can’t play with a sword.
 Husband:  He has to learn to defend himself. Unless you want him to be murdered. Because that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t let me train him.
Wife:  For the last time, you’re not a ninja.
Husband:  Then why do I have three katana-like swords!
Wife:  Wait, katana-like?
Husband:  That’s what it says on my commemorative receipt.
Wife:  Honey, when they put “like” on the end of a word, that means it’s not as good as the real thing.
Husband:  Then how do you explain “childlike”?
Wife:  Just get rid of the swords.
Husband:  But they come with a display stand.
Wife:  Why is that important?
Husband:  It shows motherfuckers that we’re not to be fucked with.
 Wife:  We live in a gated community.
Husband:  But are those gates for keeping people out… or keeping us in?
The husband unsheathes a sword. The wife starts rubbing her temples.

A husband enters his house holding three katana-like swords.

Wife:  No. I told you. No weapons in the house.

Husband:  But these are powerful ancient weapons!

Wife:  Where did you get these “powerful ancient weapons”?

Husband:  A truck stop.

Wife:  (sighs) How much?

Husband:  Only $100! For three of them! One for you, one for me, and one for the baby.

Wife:  Teddy can’t play with a sword.

Husband:  He has to learn to defend himself. Unless you want him to be murdered. Because that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t let me train him.

Wife:  For the last time, you’re not a ninja.

Husband:  Then why do I have three katana-like swords!

Wife:  Wait, katana-like?

Husband:  That’s what it says on my commemorative receipt.

Wife:  Honey, when they put “like” on the end of a word, that means it’s not as good as the real thing.

Husband:  Then how do you explain “childlike”?

Wife:  Just get rid of the swords.

Husband:  But they come with a display stand.

Wife:  Why is that important?

Husband:  It shows motherfuckers that we’re not to be fucked with.

Wife:  We live in a gated community.

Husband:  But are those gates for keeping people out… or keeping us in?

The husband unsheathes a sword. The wife starts rubbing her temples.