JK Rowling: So about your illustration for Goblet of Fire…
Illustrator: Pretty cool, right?
JK Rowling: Harry looks like a lesbian.
JK Rowling: He looks like a tiny lesbian. I mean, look at his hair. That is a gym teacher’s haircut if I’ve ever seen one.
Illustrator: It’s exactly what you told me to do.
JK Rowling: And his expression.
Illustrator: He’s smiling.
JK Rowling: Yeah, but he’s doing it all lesbiany. Listen, don’t blame yourself. Every little boy goes through a lesbian phase. You just really captured it.
Illustrator: I really don’t think that’s true—
JK Rowling: Look at any young boy on the planet and I guarentee they look like a miniature version of a 37-year-old lesbian who doesn’t give a fuck.
Illustrator: You’re so much different in person.
JK Rowling: Yeah, I get that a lot.
JK Rowling farts.
My mom and I saw The Avengers last night. We both really liked it. In case you were wondering what it’s like to see The Avengers with my mom, here’s a sampling:
Mom: (not whispering) Now Ronnie, what’s the name of the actress right there?
Me: (whispering) Scarlett Johansson.
Mom: (not whispering) Oh, that’s right. Scarlett Johansson. She’s beautiful.
Me: (whispering) Yep.
Mom: (not whispering) So glamorous.
Me: (whispering) Uh huh.
Scarlett Johansson punches a guy.
Mom: (not whispering) Oh, she just punched that guy. So he must be a bad guy then?
Me: (whispering) Yes mom, he’s a bad guy.
Mom: (not whispering) It’s hard keeping up with the story. I don’t know whose a bad guy and who isn’t. Oh, there’s Captain America. He’s so handsome.
Rinse, lather, repeat for the duration of the movie. I’m not going to lie, it was pretty mom adorable. Moms, amIright?
Boss: When I told you that you could pick the new color for the bathroom, this isn’t what I had in mind.
Employee: You told me to run with it and get creative, so I did.
Boss: But why all the Incredible Hulk fists?
Employee: Uhhh, it’s obvious.
Boss: No. That’s definitely the one thing it isn’t. Please tell me how it’s an obvious choice to decorate our sushi restaurant’s unisex bathroom with Incredible Hulk fists.
Employee: They’re inspiration for you to get you through those hulk-sized shits.
Boss: You are fucked up, you know that.
Employee: You’re telling me. You should’ve seen the Bruce Banner I just fired off.
Boss: Please stop.
Employee: I was all like, ‘RRAAAAARRRGHHH! Hulk smash!”
Boss: For the love of god, please—
Employee: It was green and everything.
Boss: Just stop.
Employee: I think it’s because I only eat avocado rolls.
The boss vomits into the toilet.
Employee: So I take it you don’t like it?
GUEST CONCOCTED CONVERSATION BY CLINTON PICKENS
LA-based comedian Clinton Pickens is this week’s guest conversationalist. I’ve known Clinton for years now. Even though he’s a ginger, I’ve grown to trust him. Although, I’m sure his natural murderous ginger tendencies will come back and murder me at some point.
Window Painter: I’m done. What do you think?
Store Owner: I think it looks like handicap Ice-cream sandwiches.
Window Painter: I’ve been in this business 30 years and I’ve never had a complaint.
Store Owner: Really? 30 Years? Where else did you work?
Window Painter: You know that guy that pushes the ice-cream cart through the park and rings the bell?
Store Owner: Yeah, the one with the kids painted on it that look misshapen and they’re eating those Ice Cream Sandwiches… wait a second! That was you?
Window Painter: YESSIR.
Store Owner: I remember that from when I was a kid. I loved it!
Window Painter: Yep, those were actually portraits of my kids.
Store Owner: You don’t say. They were all different ethnicity.
Window Painter: No the sandwiches. My wife gave birth to Ice Cream Sandwiches… so is cash okay?