NOTES FROM A BOARD - #3
This series is inspired from notes I have seen on cafe bulletin boards in LA.
Friend 1: Honey in coffee is the tits.
Friend 2: I told you! Hey check this out.
She points to the bulletin board.
Friend 1: ‘Loud Rude Aggressive Guitar Player Available!!!! Styles of GNR, VR, Motley Crue, Skid row and many more!!! Looking to join or form a band…’
Friend 2: ‘Has professional equipment and attitude and so should you!!!’
Friend 1: He literally sounds like the worst people in the world.
Friend 2: I bet this guy has a lot of I-used-to-play-with-a-bunch-of-assholes stories.
Friend 1: At least he has professional equipment.
Friend 2: And a professional attitude!
Friend 1: That just screams ‘I’m difficult to work with.’
Friend 2: I don’t trust people who use that many exclamation points.
Friend 1: Only Mom’s sending out Christmas card newsletters get to use that many exclamation points.
Friend 2: By the way, ‘Please visit www.myspace.com’?!
Friend 1: I know. Fucking gross.
A man is placing a bumper sticker on his car.
Husband: Aw fuck yeah.
Wife: Honey, what does that bumper sticker mean?
Husband: It means that I gave at the pump.
Wife: (sighs) Ok, what does that mean?
Husband: Well, you know how gas is expensive?
Wife: Yeah.
Husband: And you know how people nowadays are always asking you for money?
Wife: What people?
Husband: Charities and shit.
Wife: You mean people in need?
Husband: Yeah, those fuckers. Now whenever they ask me for money, I’m just going to point to this bad boy and say, ‘I Gave At the Pump.’
Wife: That seems like a really elaborate comeback for a situation that will most likely never come up.
Husband: But when it does. Bwaaaa wah waa wahh!
Wife: I wish you would stop making guitar sounds with your mouth.
Husband: Not fucking likely. Bwaa wah wahhh.
Circa 1970.
Manager: Nuge! Get in here you crazy bastard. Let’s makes you some money.
Ted Nugent: Sounds good to me.
Manager: Tell me. What are your three loves?
Nugent: God, guns and rock n’ roll.
Manager: And pinball.
Nugent: Pinball?
Manager: Pinball. Think of it Nuge. There’s arcades full of kids across the country and in every one of those arcades… a Ted Nugent pinball game.
He pulls back a sheet to reveal the pinball machine.
Nugent: Why is my guitar a gun?
Manager: More importantly, why isn’t your guitar a gun?
Nugent: I don’t know about this…
Manager: Pinball is the rock n’ roll of arcades Nuge. The lights, the sounds. Even when your standing there playing it, it looks like you’re having sex with it.
The manager starts dryhumping air, hard.
Nugent: Ok, easy.
Manager: This is a good diver-nugent revenue stream.
Nugent: Can you stop using my name in words like that?
Manager: Don’t get all indi-nugent on me Nuge!
Nugent: Please stop.
Manager: But I still have to pitch you deter-nugent.
Beat.
Manager: It’s a Ted Nugent themed detergent. Deter-nuge—
Nugent: FUCKING STOP.
