Two owners of a small restaurant finish taping a sign to the hand dryer.
Owner 1: Ok, done. Now, no one will never be confused by our hand dryer again.
Owner 2: Do you really think this is necessary? Who doesn’t know how to work a hand dryer?
Owner 1: Like I said, I came in here yesterday and there was a guy with wet hands crying.
Owner 2: How did he not know how to use a hand dryer?
Owner 1: I don’t know. He said he kept trying to pull on it, but it didn’t work.
Owner 2: Then why didn’t he push it?! It’s not like there’s that many options.
Owner 1: I asked him, but he didn’t answer. He was sobbing so hard. I’ve never seen anyone cry like that. Not even my mom when my dad died.
Owner 2: Jesus.
Owner1: At least now everyone will be on the same page.
Owner 2: I guess. But I feel like if you don’t know how to start a hand dryer, then you probably can’t read.
Owner 1: I wish dumb people didn’t like our food so much.
Owner 2: Yeah.
Employee: Boss, our worries are over! I got a great idea for a new snack.
Boss: I can’t wait to hear it.
Employee: Ok, what’s everyone’s favorite food?
Boss: Pizza.
Employee: Besides that.
Boss: Meat.
Employee: Blammo. Now don’t you hate how eating meat can make you tired?
Boss: The only reason I stop eating turkey every year at Thanksgiving is because I fall asleep at the table.
Employee: I mean, how many times have you been eating beef jerky and drinking a cup of coffee wishing they could be the same thing?
Boss: Every morning.
Employee: What if I told you we can make meat that not only won’t make you tired, but will actually make you… not tired.
Boss: Shut. Your. Mouth.
Employee: We call it… Perky Jerky.
Beat.
Boss: You brilliant sonofabitch. How?
Employee: Science.
Boss: Of course!
The boss tears open a bag of Perk Jerky and pours it in his mouth.
Boss: I’m never going to fall asleep!
Jerry: And done.
Friend: This makes you look crazy!
Jerry: Crazy gets you noticed. George Clooney once walked into an audition with a six-pack of beer. Guess what, he got the part.
Friend: It also didn’t hurt that he looked like George Clooney.
Jerry: Do you like how I wrote “act” instead of “work”? It kinda hammers home that I’m an actor.
Friend: I think the giant ad on your car does that.
Jerry: When I’m famous, I’m going to eat Chipotle for every meal. With guacamole.
Friend: Jerry, you need to tone it down.
Jerry: Yeah, guacamole is expensive.
Friend: No, this acting thing. The head shots on every lamp post, constantly introducing yourself as “Sag Actor Jerry Prince…”
Jerry: How are people supposed to know I’m a Sag Actor if I don’t tell them?
Friend: It’s just too much.
Jerry: You’re just jealous.
Friend: Of what? I’m an engineer, Jerry. I have an actual skill.
Jerry: I have a skill. I’m an actor.
Friend: If your “skill” requires you to advertise it with soap, it’s not a skill.
Mom 1: It’s nice to get out of the house, relax and have a cup of coffee.
Mom 2: Yeah, I’m so exhausted.
The manager enters.
Manager: Excuse me ladies, but you have to finish your coffee and leave.
Mom 2: What? Why?
The manager points to the sign.
Manager: You’ve been here for over twenty minutes and the sign clearly says, “No loitering.”
Mom 1: We’re not loitering, we’re just sitting here.
Manager: That’s what loitering is.
Mom 2: Well, we’re not done yet so you’ll just have to wait.
Manager: Please don’t make me manage.
Mom 1: What?
Manager: I’m the manager and I will manage you.
Mom 1: What are you talking about?
Manager: Bottoms up bitches! And I’m not talkin’ about your coffee cups, I’m talking about your asses!
The manager flips their table, which is impressive because it is attached to the ground. The moms start backing away.
Manager: If you tell corporate, I’ll kill you.
A customer approaches the Cooblermania and sees the sign.
Customer: So good… you’ll want to slap somebody?
Worker: That’s right.
Customer: Well I guess I’ll have to try it.
The worker hands him a sample and he tries it. He immediately slaps the worker.
Customer: Ohmygod. I am so sorry.
Worker: It’s our slogan for our reason. I’m used to it.
