GUEST SUBMISSION POST BY PAT REGAN!
Tara Reid: Do you think I’m pretty?
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: Bark at me. Bark at me if you think I’m pretty.
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: Bark at me doggy! Say “woof woof!”
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: Say “woof woof!”
A Dog: …..
Tara Reid: Say “woof woof!”
A Dog: …..
Tara Reid: I’m desperately alone.
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: But I don’t care. Because I’m gonna open up my veins.
A Dog: …..
Tara Reid: Oh how the blood will flow like wine. It will be so…fucking…glorious!
A Dog: …..
Tara Reid: I can almost hear the angels singing now! Can you hear them, you little bitch dog?
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: Ha-ha, shut the fuck up! You little bitch dog! YOU! LITTLE! BITCH! DOG!
Husband: Baby, our problems are solved.
Wife: You got a job? Really?!
Husband: No, even better. I invented this.
He presents the TV Pillow Remote.
Wife: TV Pillow Remote? I’m confused.
Husband: So was I. That is… until I invented this. Honey, this is going to change everything. You know Guttenberg’s printing press?
Wife: Yeah.
Husband: This is going to be like that.
Wife: I don’t get it.
Husband: What’s not to get? It’s a pillow and a TV remote, together.
Wife: Yeah, that’s what I don’t get.
Husband: Ok, remember how Darn Yankees was a supergroup of people from Styx and Night Rangers? Well, this is like that but for TV.
Wife: But why would you want a remote control in a pillow?
Husband: Well for starters, it’s a lot harder to lose a remote control than a pillow! You ever think of that? I mean, you’re never going to get your pillow lost in the couch cushions.
Wife: Okay, but whenever you lie on the pillow, won’t your head accidentally change the channel?
Husband: …
Husband: …
Husband: Goddammit.
Friend 1: I don’t understand what the big deal is. Just go talk to them.
Friend 2: Why don’t you go talk to them?
Friend 1: Because I’m married and there’s only one reason guys talk to girls dressed like that, and it’s not “good conversation.”
Friend 2: Dressed like that? They’re naked.
Friend 1: They’re not naked. They’re wearing paint.
Friend 2: Paint isn’t clothes! Does the Gap sell paint? Does American Eagle have a paint section?
Friend 1: Just tell them what I told you to say.
Friend 2: You want me to walk up to them and say, ‘Looks like your flag needs a flagpole’ and then take out my boner.
Friend 1: Yeah. What’s the matter, don’t you have a boner?
Friend 2: It won’t work!
Friend 1: But what if it does? I know it’s crazy, but girls who come to a bar wearing nothing but a painted-on flag are crazy.
Friend 2: For the last time, no!
A frat boy knocks Friend 2 over as he races towards the naked women.
Frat Boy: Hey ladies! Looks like your flag needs a flagpole.
Frat Boy pulls out his dick.
Women: Yayyyy!!!!
Friend 1 + 2: Goddammit.
My mom and I saw The Avengers last night. We both really liked it. In case you were wondering what it’s like to see The Avengers with my mom, here’s a sampling:
Mom: (not whispering) Now Ronnie, what’s the name of the actress right there?
Me: (whispering) Scarlett Johansson.
Mom: (not whispering) Oh, that’s right. Scarlett Johansson. She’s beautiful.
Me: (whispering) Yep.
Mom: (not whispering) So glamorous.
Me: (whispering) Uh huh.
Scarlett Johansson punches a guy.
Mom: (not whispering) Oh, she just punched that guy. So he must be a bad guy then?
Me: (whispering) Yes mom, he’s a bad guy.
Mom: (not whispering) It’s hard keeping up with the story. I don’t know whose a bad guy and who isn’t. Oh, there’s Captain America. He’s so handsome.
Rinse, lather, repeat for the duration of the movie. I’m not going to lie, it was pretty mom adorable. Moms, amIright?
Click here to check out the latest Concocted Conversation on MTV Clutch!
