NOTES FROM A BOARD - #3
This series is inspired from notes I have seen on cafe bulletin boards in LA.
Friend 1: Honey in coffee is the tits.
Friend 2: I told you! Hey check this out.
She points to the bulletin board.
Friend 1: ‘Loud Rude Aggressive Guitar Player Available!!!! Styles of GNR, VR, Motley Crue, Skid row and many more!!! Looking to join or form a band…’
Friend 2: ‘Has professional equipment and attitude and so should you!!!’
Friend 1: He literally sounds like the worst people in the world.
Friend 2: I bet this guy has a lot of I-used-to-play-with-a-bunch-of-assholes stories.
Friend 1: At least he has professional equipment.
Friend 2: And a professional attitude!
Friend 1: That just screams ‘I’m difficult to work with.’
Friend 2: I don’t trust people who use that many exclamation points.
Friend 1: Only Mom’s sending out Christmas card newsletters get to use that many exclamation points.
Friend 2: By the way, ‘Please visit www.myspace.com’?!
Friend 1: I know. Fucking gross.
NOTES FROM A BOARD - #2
This series is inspired from notes I have seen on cafe bulletin boards in LA.
Friend 1: I gotta admit. I’m digging the honey in my coffee trick.
Friend 2: It’s good, right? Oh hey check this out.
She points to the bulletin board.
Friend 1: ‘I buy sell and trade crystals and am staying in the area till the 3rd. Zlacite, Haetan, Purtz, Opals… Jason.’
Friend 1: Jeez, is the economy crystal-selling bad?
Friend 2: Let’s call him!
Friend 1: He is in town only to the 3rd.
Friend 2: Guys who sell crystals are always on the move.
Friend 1: Bet you $5 he’ll roll up on his bike wearing a fanny pack.
Friend 2: Bet he’ll ask us for weed.
Friend 1: People who are into crystals freak me out.
Friend 2: Yeah, I feel like people who buy crystals probably own a sword with a handle that turns into a dragon.
Friend 1: With wings as the handles.
Friend 2: You know what else freaks me out?
Friend 1: A committed relationship?
Friend 2: Fuck you.
A rolls up on a bicycle wearing a fanny pack.
Friend 1: Oh look, your new boyfriend’s here.
Friend 2: Fuck you forever.
Crystal Guy: You guys got any weed?
NOTES FROM A BOARD - #1
This series is inspired from notes I have seen on cafe bulletin boards in LA.
Friend 1: I’ve never seen someone put honey in their coffee.
Friend 2: Yeah I saw my one friend do it, so I thought I would try it… oh hey, look at that.
She points to the bulletin board.
Friend 1: ‘Need help or partner in screenwriting.’ Well, that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.
Friend 2: Do you realize how lonely this guy must be?
Friend 1: He might as well post a flyer that says ‘FRIEND?’
Friend 2: I almost want to call him, but I have soooo many friends already.
Friend 1: I know what you mean. I’m literally dripping with acquaintances.
Friend 2: This is worse than people on Facebook who write ‘anyone want to hang out today?’
Friend 1: Hey, I did that!
Friend 2: Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Customer: Santa Fe?
Manager: Hey, you got it. Most people think it’s Denver.
Customer: Sweet. What do I win?
Manager: Oh, there is no prize.
Customer: I don’t win a free cup of coffee or something?
Manager: Sorry, no.
Customer: But there’s always a prize with trivia.
Manager: The prize is knowing you got the answer right.
Customer: That’s like winning free tickets to Disneyland, for an hour.
Manager: Sir, we’re just trying to have a little fun…
Customer: Ohhhh, you’re trying to have fun?! Oh shit, my bad. I didn’t know you were trying to have fun, because see, I haven’t had any fun yet…
Manager: Sir…
Customer: I’ve had disappointment. I’m definitely starting my day off on the wrong foot, so there’s that.
Manager: Sir, you’re causing a scene…
Customer: Well then I should go. But what am I going to carry my prize in? Oh wait, there is no prize. Thank heavens! Now I only have to carry my pride, which hardly takes up any space. I mean, look how angry I am about not getting a real prize!
Manager: Sir!
Customer: I fucking needed this!
He exits.
Manager: Marie, can you please write on the trivia board that there is no prize.
Mom 1: It’s nice to get out of the house, relax and have a cup of coffee.
Mom 2: Yeah, I’m so exhausted.
The manager enters.
Manager: Excuse me ladies, but you have to finish your coffee and leave.
Mom 2: What? Why?
The manager points to the sign.
Manager: You’ve been here for over twenty minutes and the sign clearly says, “No loitering.”
Mom 1: We’re not loitering, we’re just sitting here.
Manager: That’s what loitering is.
Mom 2: Well, we’re not done yet so you’ll just have to wait.
Manager: Please don’t make me manage.
Mom 1: What?
Manager: I’m the manager and I will manage you.
Mom 1: What are you talking about?
Manager: Bottoms up bitches! And I’m not talkin’ about your coffee cups, I’m talking about your asses!
The manager flips their table, which is impressive because it is attached to the ground. The moms start backing away.
Manager: If you tell corporate, I’ll kill you.
