GUEST POST BY GENEVIEVE RICE
Genevieve Rice is a Phoenix-based comedian, who I’ve met briefly at shows. Thanks to the internet, we’ve become better friends. Recently, we’ve entered the next stage of internet friendship, which is favoriting each other’s tweets. It’s the modern day equivalent of donning your hat and curtseying. You should all check out her twitter. It’s a solid one.
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Store Clerk: May I help you, sir?
Customer: Where do you keep your flasks?
Store Clerk: We keep a whole selection on aisle five. Are you looking for anything in particular?
Customer: Do you happen to have any 9/11-themed flasks?
Store Clerk: …
Customer: Like maybe something with a picture of the towers with an American flag in the foreground? Whenever I try to sneak a few sips of the ol’ joy juice, I want to be reminded of that fateful day when the towers fell.
Store Clerk: Sir, we don’t carry any 9/11-themed flasks, but I think we might have one with a bald eagle…
Customer: That’s okay. So where can I find your Hindenburg disaster keychains?
Store Clerk: We don’t stock any.
Customer: Seriously?! You’re missing out on some serious business for people who like to keep their keys in one place but also honor the memory of the greatest zeppelin fire this country has ever seen.
Store Clerk: You know, I do have a visor that commemorates Hurricane Katrina.
Customer: Why would anyone possibly want that? You disgust me.
Customer exits.
Boss: We have licensing for Ed Hardy. Why not make Ed Hardy beer?
Employee: Ed Hardy Beer? I know we’re trying to maximize profits with ever widening revenue streams, but do you think anyone would actually buy Ed Hardy beer?
Boss: I saw a guy this morning wearing an Ed Hardy shirt with a skeleton riding a tiger holding a flaming sword in one hand and a dragon in the other.
Employee: …
Boss: The tiger also had wings and was on a skateboard. So yeah, I’m pretty sure that guy is going to buy Ed Hardy Beer.
Employee: What the hell, we can market it to date rapists.
Boss: In a way, isn’t that all beer?
Location - Men’s Room - Big Fish Pub - Glendale, CA
Owner: (yells) Pete, can I uh, talk to you about your art?
Pete, a bearded man covered in paint, enters the bathroom holding a pitcher of Budweiser.
Pete: (burps) What?
Owner: I wanted to uh, discuss your mural here.
Pete: The Sea of Pee? Go on.
Owner: First off, nice job on the mermaid.
Pete: Thank you.
Owner: I was wondering though, am I looking at her chest or her back?
Pete: Looks like you looking at her titty.
Owner: Right. Well, I do see one lone titty coming out the side so I thought I was looking at her chest, but then there’s no titty on the other side so I thought it must be her back. Unless the mermaid only has one titty?
Pete burps and shrugs.
Owner: Ok. I guess it could be a profile shot, but you can’t see her face.
Pete: Faces are hard, so I said fuck it.
Owner: You forgot to paint arms.
Pete: No I didn’t… oh fuck, yeah I forgot.
Owner: How drunk are you?
