Concocted Conversations

I saw this online and it points to a trend where we keep alpha-maling foods. Case in point, this Hungry Man commercial. And now it’s “Sirloin Burger” soup. Why do we have to “man up” soup? Are there really guys out there who are homophobic about eating soup?

A husband sits down at the dinner table.

Husband: What’s for dinner?

Wife: Soup.

Husband: What? I’m not gay.

She places a bowl of soup in front of him.

Woman: I know you’re not gay honey.

Husband: Damn right. So you also know I’m not eating any gay soup.

Woman: But it’s made with your favorite… burgers.

Husband: Burger soup?

He pauses but then pushes the soup away.

Husband: It’s still soup. You know I only like to eat man food. Stuff like steak, hot dogs and anything else that makes my chest hurt.

Woman: I still think you should tell the doctor about that.

Husband: But that’s how you you know the food is working! Because it’s making your heart grow.

Woman: I don’t think it works like that.

Husband: I’m not eating soup! It’s not manly.

Woman: (sighs) You liked that smoothie I made you.

He slams the table with his fist.

Husband: You promised you would never mention that again!! The guys called me Orville Redenbacher for weeks.

Wife: Orville Redenbacher?

Husband: He was a gay. No one who wears that many bow ties isn’t gay.

Wife: Frank Sinatra wore bow ties.

He slams the table with both fists.

Husband: You shut your goddamn mouth woman.

Woman: Listen honey, I’m tired. Are you that insecure about your manhood where you can’t eat soup? It’s got burgers in it! Burgers! What’s more manly than that?

Husband: Ok fine. I’ll eat it but take off your shirt. I want to look at titties if I’m going to eat soup. I’m not gay.

The wife unbuttons her blouse and gives that half-head-shake-half-sigh that wives give makes in the last two seconds of every commercial.

Husband: This still feels kinda faggy. Put on some Toby Keith and pour me a glass of gravy. Fuck! Shit! Fuck!

Wife: What are you doing?

Husband: If I’m going to eat soup, I’m going to man curse. Now where the fuck is my fuck shit gravy?