Little Caesars Boss: We should do something nice for our veterans on Veterans Day.
Little Caesars Employee: Absolutely.
Boss: How about this? Free crazy bread!
Employee: Hmm, maybe we should do something else since a lot of veterans come back from wars with some sort of PTSD?
Boss: Hmmm, nope. Free crazy bread it is!
Wife: So, you’re sure we’re in the center?
Photographer: Yeah, totally.
Husband: Because from the way you’re holding the camera, it looks like we’re not.
The photographer takes a drag from his cigarette.
Photographer: Trust me.
Wife: We just really want to have a nice picture to display in our bed & breakfast and a photo of us pushed all the way to the side would look strange.
Photographer: Guys guys, it’s me. Larry. I’m a professional. I know what I’m doing.
Husband and Wife: Okay.
He snaps the photo.
Photographer: Now can you pay me in beer ‘cus It would save me a trip.
GUEST POST BY MIKE HOLLINGSWORTH!
Mike Hollingsworth is extremely funny writer and very talented animator. You’ve may have seen some of his shorts like The Mustache Contest or one from his popular Nature Break series (which is coming to Smosh’s Youtube Channel on July 9).
To see more of Mike’s stuff, check out his Youtube page.
INT. Living room of a run-down house.
Wife: Frank? Frank? FRANK!
Frank: Huh? What?
Wife: Frank are you drunk again?
Frank: I’m not drunk. I’m just, you know, enjoying a few cold ones while I watch the big game.
Wife: Wheel of Fortune is not “the big game.” It’s on Monday through Friday every week.
Frank: I like to solve the puzzles.
Wife: Frank, I need you to spend some time with our daughter. Also the dog needs to go for a walk. Do you hear me Frank?
Frank: Mount Rushmore!
Frank: Oh, sorry, I was just solving a puzzle on The Wheel. But I heard you. Spend time with the dog and take the daughter out fer a walk.
Wife: Wait, what did you say?
Frank: Babe! I got it, I got it, I got it.
WEIRD ASS PREGNANCY PHOTOS - #4
Wife: So I get why I’m naked…
Husband: Because you look natural, like mother earth.
Wife: Right. But what’s with the tire?
Husband: I thought that since we’re taking a picture with your spare tire, I’d bring mine too.
Wife: I’m pregnant!
Husband: I’m joking sugar… but seriously, you knew when you married me that you’d have to share me with my tire business.
Wife: I know your business is really important to you, but these are pregnancy announcement photos, not tire announcement photos.
Husband: Baby, this photo has the three things in life I love more than anything else. You, our new baby and tires. Not necessarily in that order.
Wife: Can’t we at least use a clean tire?
Husband: Clean tires aren’t natural! You see a dirty tire and you know that it works. Three things I don’t trust. Clean tires, Russians and people with lisps. In that order.
Wife: Ok, but—
Husband: I don’t like the way they say “silly.” They sound like giant babies.
Wife: What if we get a few photos with the tire and then without the tire?
Husband: What if we get a few photos with your leg and then without? Because that’s basically what you’re asking me to do.
Wife: Fine dad, we’ll do it your way.
WEIRD ASS PREGNANCY PHOTOS - #3
A pregnant wife steps out of a dressing room.
Wife: Ok, I’m ready for the photoshoot!
Husband: Oh boy.
Photographer: You. Look. Amazing! A pregnant bunny, that’s never been done before!
Wife: A sexy pregnant bunny. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I still can’t look good!
The wife starts to dance all bump ‘n grind like.
Photographer: Whoa! Hold on while I turn up the air conditioning, because it’s getting hot in here!
Husband: Honey, wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dress or literally anything else?
Wife: No, I want to wear the same outfit the night we met.
Photographer: Where’d you meet?
Wife: At Humperz down by the off ramp. I work there.
Photographer: Awww, and how long have you been together?
Husband: A little under nine months.