WEIRD ASS PREGNANCY PHOTOS - #5
Husband: So I thought I could stand with my back to the camera and show my delts off.
Photographer: Most couples just face the camera.
Husband: Call Detroit.
Husband: Call Detroit!
Husband: Because these pistons can use some company! BAM!
Photographer: This photo is for a pregnancy announcement, so we should probably focus on the pregnancy. Kate, what do you think?
Wife: I think—
Husband: Hold up babe. Listen bro—
Photographer: I’m a woman. Please don’t call me bro.
Husband: Lady bro, I totally get what you’re saying, but you can’t deny the delts.
Photographer: Your ‘delt’ is the size of your girlfriend’s head.
Husband: Thank lady bro!
Wife: I don’t think she meant—
Husband: Hold up boo bro. Lady bro, our baby is going to have delts like these one day. It’s really important to me that people know that. And they won’t unless these delts get a little face time.
Photographer: (sighs) It’s your photo shoot. You guys do what you want.
Husband: Do you need to look up a word?
Husband: Because these delts have definition. BAM!
Mark: Anddddd open your eyes.
Co-Owner: Holy shit.
Mark: Pretty cool, right?
Co-Owner: That is truly terrifying.
Mark: Terrifyingly awesome.
Co-Owner: No, not awesome. We’re supposed to be making a mini-golf fun center that’s fun for the whole family. This is not what I would call family fun.
Mark: Clowns are fun!
Co-Owner: If rape dressed as a clown, it would dress like this.
Mark: Oh c’mon, kids are going to love this. I made the tongue a ramp. That’s super fun.
Co-Owner: Mark, his hat is covered in skulls and you gave him eyes that, and I’m being totally honest, scare the shit out of me.
Mark: If you don’t like this, then you’re definitely not going to like Hole 14.
Mark: Well, it’s inspired by A Clockwork Orange.
A couple exits their car at a rest stop.
Boyfriend: What is that?
Girlfriend: It looks like James Dean, but why is he on fire?
He reads a plaque.
Boyfriend: Oh, this is where he crashed his car and died in 1955.
Girlfriend: That’s nice they put this up.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but did they have to show him engulfed in flames? Except for the last moments of his life, he was never besieged by flames.
Girlfriend: They’re just remembering him.
Boyfriend: This is like having a giant bronze sculpture of Biggie Smalls but with a bunch of bullet holes in it.
Girlfriend: Well at least the World’s Largest Parking Lot is open during construction.
Boyfriend: This isn’t a parking lot, it’s just a giant field. And construction is spelled wrong.
Girlfriend: Oh wow, it is. Waiting for Superman was right.
Boyfriend: I don’t know what’s sadder. The fact that someone made that mistake or the fact that someone said, “Screw it, put it up anyway.”
ROMNEY: I’ll have a… “Baconator?” Is that, am I pronouncing that correctly?
RYAN: I think it’s “Baconator,” right.
ROMNEY: So it’s “Baconator?”
RYAN: Yes, “Baconator.”
ROMNEY: Then I will order the “Baconator.”
RYAN: I’ll also have the “Baconator.”
Little Caesars Boss: We should do something nice for our veterans on Veterans Day.
Little Caesars Employee: Absolutely.
Boss: How about this? Free crazy bread!
Employee: Hmm, maybe we should do something else since a lot of veterans come back from wars with some sort of PTSD?
Boss: Hmmm, nope. Free crazy bread it is!