Wife: honey, what would you like for dinner tonight?
Husband: Cheeseburger Pie
Wife: Cheeseburgers and Pie? Alrighty! Off to the kitchen I go…
Husband: Bitch slow your roll…I said CHEESEBURGER PIE
Wife: Cheeseburger Pie?
Husband: Yes Cheeseburger Pie.
Wife: I…I don’t even know how to make that..
Husband (looking at watch) : Omg! Would u look at what time is it! It’s DIVORCE time…
GUEST SUBMISSION POST BY PAT REGAN!
Tara Reid: Do you think I’m pretty?
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: Bark at me. Bark at me if you think I’m pretty.
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: Bark at me doggy! Say “woof woof!”
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: Say “woof woof!”
A Dog: …..
Tara Reid: Say “woof woof!”
A Dog: …..
Tara Reid: I’m desperately alone.
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: But I don’t care. Because I’m gonna open up my veins.
A Dog: …..
Tara Reid: Oh how the blood will flow like wine. It will be so…fucking…glorious!
A Dog: …..
Tara Reid: I can almost hear the angels singing now! Can you hear them, you little bitch dog?
A Dog: ……
Tara Reid: Ha-ha, shut the fuck up! You little bitch dog! YOU! LITTLE! BITCH! DOG!
Husband: Baby, our problems are solved.
Wife: You got a job? Really?!
Husband: No, even better. I invented this.
He presents the TV Pillow Remote.
Wife: TV Pillow Remote? I’m confused.
Husband: So was I. That is… until I invented this. Honey, this is going to change everything. You know Guttenberg’s printing press?
Wife: Yeah.
Husband: This is going to be like that.
Wife: I don’t get it.
Husband: What’s not to get? It’s a pillow and a TV remote, together.
Wife: Yeah, that’s what I don’t get.
Husband: Ok, remember how Darn Yankees was a supergroup of people from Styx and Night Rangers? Well, this is like that but for TV.
Wife: But why would you want a remote control in a pillow?
Husband: Well for starters, it’s a lot harder to lose a remote control than a pillow! You ever think of that? I mean, you’re never going to get your pillow lost in the couch cushions.
Wife: Okay, but whenever you lie on the pillow, won’t your head accidentally change the channel?
Husband: …
Husband: …
Husband: Goddammit.
JK Rowling: So about your illustration for Goblet of Fire…
Illustrator: Pretty cool, right?
JK Rowling: Harry looks like a lesbian.
Illustrator: What?!
JK Rowling: He looks like a tiny lesbian. I mean, look at his hair. That is a gym teacher’s haircut if I’ve ever seen one.
Illustrator: It’s exactly what you told me to do.
JK Rowling: And his expression.
Illustrator: He’s smiling.
JK Rowling: Yeah, but he’s doing it all lesbiany. Listen, don’t blame yourself. Every little boy goes through a lesbian phase. You just really captured it.
Illustrator: I really don’t think that’s true—
JK Rowling: Look at any young boy on the planet and I guarentee they look like a miniature version of a 37-year-old lesbian who doesn’t give a fuck.
Illustrator: You’re so much different in person.
JK Rowling: Yeah, I get that a lot.
JK Rowling farts.
Friend 1: I don’t understand what the big deal is. Just go talk to them.
Friend 2: Why don’t you go talk to them?
Friend 1: Because I’m married and there’s only one reason guys talk to girls dressed like that, and it’s not “good conversation.”
Friend 2: Dressed like that? They’re naked.
Friend 1: They’re not naked. They’re wearing paint.
Friend 2: Paint isn’t clothes! Does the Gap sell paint? Does American Eagle have a paint section?
Friend 1: Just tell them what I told you to say.
Friend 2: You want me to walk up to them and say, ‘Looks like your flag needs a flagpole’ and then take out my boner.
Friend 1: Yeah. What’s the matter, don’t you have a boner?
Friend 2: It won’t work!
Friend 1: But what if it does? I know it’s crazy, but girls who come to a bar wearing nothing but a painted-on flag are crazy.
Friend 2: For the last time, no!
A frat boy knocks Friend 2 over as he races towards the naked women.
Frat Boy: Hey ladies! Looks like your flag needs a flagpole.
Frat Boy pulls out his dick.
Women: Yayyyy!!!!
Friend 1 + 2: Goddammit.