Customer: a little off the top, trim the sides. (1 second later)
Barber: okay, done.
Customer: wait, this looks terrible.
Barber: hey pal, read the sign.
Customer: but… Barber: NEXT!
An apartment manager gives a tour of a studio apartment.
Guy: The apartment looked much bigger online.
Manager: Well, you’ll probably be spending all your time outside on the patio.
Guy: Oh, I didn’t know there was a patio.
Manager: It’s just perfect for having your morning coffee or hosting a party.
The manager slides the patio door open.
Guy: This is just a chair and a table.
Manager: I know! Very modern, right?
Guy: How could you host a party out here?
Manager: Well, you could take turns standing outside. It would be like musical chairs but with patios! Fun!
Guy: Yeah, I don’t think…
Manager: Just imagine sitting out here every morning and turning your head slightly to the left to enjoy the view…
Guy: The view of the of the parking lot?
Manager: The way the sun hits the asphalt in the morning is absolutely breathtaking, but that’s mostly because of the fumes from the recycling center upwind.
Guitarist: We all set for the show?
Bassist: Let’s see… Confederate flag backdrop?
Guitarist: Yep. Confederate flag drums?
Bassit: Yep. Confederate flag guitar?
Guitarist: (plays guitar riff)
Bassist: Sounds like a yes to me…Confederate flag chain-link mic stand?
Guitarist: Hell yeah. How else are people gonna know we’re ready to party! Confederate flag vest?
Bassist: You know the only time I take it off is when I shower.
Guitarist: Damn right.
Bassist: You smell that?
Guitarist: Smell what?
Bassist: All that pussy we’ll be scoring after the show.
Guitarist: We’re good at decisions.
Bassist: Hell yeah.
If you have an idea for a Concocted Conversation, please submit! Just keep it under 200 words.
THE ROLLERBLADE BLADE RUNNER
A meeting is taking place in the Rollerblade board room circa 1998.
Marketing Executive: We need a new series of in-lines for this new generation. Ladies and gentlemen of the board, it is my honor to present the “Blade Runner” series.
The Marketing Executive displays a “Blade Runner” box and the board members applaud uproariously. A Junior Executive hesitantly raises his hand.
Junior Executive: Hate to say this, sir, but there’s already a very popular movie called Blade Runner. Calling our skates “Blade Runners” may confuse people.
Marketing Executive: Exactly! People will think they’re buying a DVD copy of the movie Blade Runner. Imagine their surprise and delight when they open the box and find a pair of high-end in-line skates!
Junior Executive: I don’t know if that’s a good business strategy, sir.
Marketing Executive: Oh, really? Well, we’ve already tied in to the special edition of “Blade Runner.” They’ll get the full Rollerblade experience even if they do purchase a copy of the film.
Junior Executive: What? But sir, there’s no in-line skating in that movie.
Marketing Executive: There is now! The Blade Runner Special Edition DVD is exactly the same as the original movie, only now all the characters are on Rollerblades. We digitized the actors so they look like they’re a few inches taller and gliding through every scene. It’s taken years. It was unbelievably expensive.
Junior Executive: I really don’t understand, sir.
Marketing Executive: You know what I don’t understand? How you’re still working here. All in favor of firing this idiot?
In unison, all the board members “yay.” The Junior Executive solemnly skates out of the boardroom.
A bro screws his license plate onto to his cherry red corvette.
Bro: Hell yeah.
His friend walks up.
Bro: I’m going to crush so much pussy now.
Friend: I think you’re overestimating the importance of novelty license plates when it comes to sex with women.
Bro: Maybe, but no.
Friend: And you’re definitely underestimating how creepy a naked lady license plate frame is.
Bro: Whatever, you know nothing about women.
Friend: What type of girl would see this license plate and be even remotely interested?
Bro: The type of girl with little to no standards.
Friend: You must be the worst lover ever.
Bro: I drill ‘em like I’m looking for oil.